am i arrogant or self-loathing?

[rawrrawrlol]

so, i have a friend

who is male

and gay

and i dig him

and he's really the only guy ive ever had an emotional liking for... usually the gay side of me is only physical, and all previous emotional attachments ive had have been to females

i didnt realize i had any emotional feelings for himl, though

i knew him for 3 1/2 years before i realized it, knowing i had a side of me that was sometimes physically attrected to men, but never emotionally

but by the time i realized that i actually had an emotional interest in him, i had become so used to being the one he thought of as the straight friend who was the first in highschool to accept him and defend him (on the first day on ninth grade, 5 years ago, i got 2 kids to quit pushing him around);;.. and as self serving as it is, i have always enjoyed being thought of as enlightened and non-judgemental, and since i had no emotional interest in guys, i never saw a reason to correct him

but now its grating on me that when i talk to him, i realize simultaneously how much i like him and how much id hate for him to think of me as "just another gay friend" rather than the more esteemed position i hold now

does that make me a miserable self loathing person or a terribly egotistical one?